Hello there my fellow Earthlings! So we have reached finals week. As I near the end of my first semester at the illustrious Georgia State University, I thought I would be doing an injustice leaving it undocumented. Seeing as it played out like one of those embarrassing fail videos that are shown in slow motion. At least it felt that way. I have never been one for change and can’t say I have mastered the art of the graceful transition. My transitions are filled with a lot of kicking and flailing and are not pretty by any one’s definition. This was no different. My parents will tell you how many tear filled phone calls they received my first month at GSU. With my decision last semester to pursue Sign Language Interpreting as my major I was left with not much of a choice but to transfer from Kennesaw State to Georgia State Which is in the city of Atlanta…downtown Atlanta. It would be a bit of an understatement to simply say that I am not much of a city person. More accurately put, I actually despise the city. So why I didn’t have it in mind that it wouldn’t be easy I am not sure. I honestly did not give it much thought at all. So imagine little old cow-loving me who still gets lost in her home town of Cartersville Georgia attempting to navigate Atlanta. Humorous right? Well that was now my reality.
Through out all of this though I learned SO MUCH. I never understood what people meant when they said that being comfortable hinders growth. I guess I understood it logically but had never experienced it. Why? Because I have enjoyed comfort the majority of my life. I have had family that has provided for me more than adequately and friendship with people who loved me and so much more that what is necessary. That changed and so have I. This semester I have realized that I really didn’t grow very much spiritually during my time at Kennesaw. I could have fooled you though because I definitely fooled myself. I am actually really good a deceiving myself, which if you think about it is scary. My actions represented a very different person than my heart. my heart was hard. If there is anything else I have learned about myself it is that I also suck at processing things which is also why change doesn’t sit well with me. Last semester there were a lot of thing that happened that were really difficult for me but I don’t think I ever processed them or really learned how to deal with it. I never learned how to wrestle through things with God and let myself be upset. I did however perfect the skill of stifling and I am now really good at resisting emotion and deceiving myself and others into believing I am fine. No one had to worry about me because I was always fine, or at least appeared to be. Anyone else see my pride showing?
How does that play into my life this semester? Well…it will all catch up to you guys. When I had fewer people in my life (was less comfortable) after transferring I couldn’t go to people to find my peace and I learned that I had trouble going to God. I had a hard time admitting it but all this time I wasn’t being vulnerable with God. Why did I feel that I couldn’t be angry with God or admit to God that I was upset about something? Why did I have the idea that questioning God equates to sin? This is where I was and had to learn what it looks like to be honest about my emotions with God. It still feels strange to think that it is ok to question the God that literally knows everything and created everything. The more I though about it I was able to see that this is a sign of immaturity in my own relationship with God. I mean if you think about how relationships in your own life compare, I know I am not going to be brutally honest about how I feel with someone I have not built a firm relationship with. It is the same in my relationship with God. It has been really beneficial for me to study out what a healthy and honest relationship with God looks like. I have been reading through Psalms and I love how honest David is with God. That is a relationship with God we can emulate.
It hasn’t been all rough though guys. I can say that I love my major so far so there is the silver lining we needed. My roommates are the best and there is a lot to do in Atlanta that has yet to be done so stay tuned for that.
And now back to studying for finals…